Secret New Directive Allows Bush to Torture Language

President Bush signed a super secret executive order that authorizes him, in his role as commander-in-chief, to torture the any member of the Axis-of-Information (language, reason, or truth) without court approval. Previously, according to long-standing American tradition, any president who wanted to stretch language to the breaking point, douse the truth, or shock reason had to go before a special magistrate in order obtain a writ of verbias corpus.

Most Americans would probably be surprised to learn that beneath the White House bunker is a secret chamber where men in black hoods use sharp instruments to chop words, dissect logic, and mince meaning. As one former linguistic inquisitor put it: “We have the tools to make language talk. We may have to get a little rough, but we’ll get those damn words to open up. When we’re through with them they’ll tell us everything we want to hear.”

The Department of Linguistic Conformity, which was set up during the last days of the Nixon Administration, remains one of the most secretive and sensitive institutions in the bowels of the government. Most officials refuse to confirm or deny its existence, but recently an unlawfully detained detainee, who for the purposes of protecting his identity we will identify only as Straw Man, has come forward to expose horrific examples of linguistic abuse.

“They’re bending logic like a pretzel, they’ve turned meaning inside out, and they’ve had common sense tied up without a let up for more than six years. They picked me [Straw Man] up around election time and flailed me until I was of no use to them anymore. I was putty in their hands. But you should have seen what they did with a couple of guys nicknamed Bait & Switch. They roughed them up so bad they switched sides and are working for the administration. Talk about flip-floppers. One thing I know for sure, they [the administration] are not interested in the truth.”

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Carter: "Bush is the Worst President Ever "(Bush Sr. Responds).

Stung by former president Jimmy Carter’s assessment, that George W. Bush will go down in history as the “worst president ever,” the president’s daddy, George H.W. Bush, leapt to his son’s defense, saying that G.W.B. will eclipse J.F.K., F.D.R., and S.O.B as “simply the greatest, most splendiferous, supercallifragallisticexpialidocious commander-in-chief ever.” (Several historians consulted believe S.O.B refers to William Jefferson Clinton).

The elder Bush, now 83, could scarcely contain his rage as he repeatedly referred to Carter, a one-time peanut farmer, as “Mr. Peanut Head.” The senior Bush, has been reluctant to offer advice, or make public comments regarding his son’s sagging poll numbers, but aides say he is privately agonized by the criticism from “egg-head historians, al-Qaeda-coddling commentators in the media, and flip-flopping American couch potatoes.”

“When I went in and nabbed Pineapple Face (a reference to the capture of Panamanian strongman Manuel Noregia following the U.S. invasion) I was criticized for getting Ali Baba, but leaving the Forty Thieves. But Jr. got that joker, Saddam, and almost the full deck of the fifty-two evildoers in the Iraqi house of cards. That certainly trumps getting that other guy, Obama, what’s his name? You know the tall skinny guy with the funny name.”

The former president may have been confusing Barack Hussein Obama, a leading democratic presidential candidate, with Osama bin Laden, America’s most wanted fugitive. In any event, Bush Sr. remembers that his son has always attracted a lot of naysayers. “There were those who said he couldn’t hold his liquor, couldn’t find oil when he was a prospector, and couldn’t win a championship with the Texas Rangers. But by golly look at him now, he’s the leader of the free world. I’m so proud I could cry.”

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Who is to Blame for Iraq ?

The slow pace of success in Iraq disappoints President Bush. He knows the Congress didn’t vote for failure when it authorized the war, but someone must be held accountable for the fact certain Democratic defeatists might de-fund the war before we can say Mission Accomplished. Therefore, it is essential that we find a scapegoat, a complete schmuck who will bear the entire moral, political, and historical responsibility for getting us into this nation building exercise in Iraq without an exit strategy. This is where you come in. We need your help in pinning the tail on the @$$hole that got us into Iraq. Please vote for the schmuck of your choice. No write in candidates. Ballots are not subject to recounts. And the Florida State Legislature and/or the United States Supreme Court may reject any and all ballots for any reason whatsoever.

__ Paul Wolfowitz (aka Wolfowitz of Arabia) – Insisted oil revenues could finance Iraq’s reconstruction with enough petrodollars left over to cover his girlfriend’s salary. Underestimated troop requirements by half-a-million and then managed to look ridiculous combing his hair with his own saliva in Michael Moore’s film Fahrenheit 9/11.

__ Donald Rumsfeld – “Freedom is messy.” “Stuff Happens” “You go to war with the army you got.” “We know where they [the non-existent WMD] are. They are in Tikrit and the area around Baghdad.” This guy is more talkative than “Baghdad Bob,” but he makes less sense.

__ Condoleezza Rice – “We can’t wait till a smoking gun becomes a mushroom cloud.” This has to be the mother of all mixed metaphors. Miss Perfect failed to pass on urgent warnings to her boss that could have prevented 9/11. And then failed to be an honest broker between the intelligence community (which had caveats about Saddam’s WMD) and the axis-of-disinformation (Cheney, Rumsfeld, & Chalabi).

__ George Tenet – They say white guys can’t jump, but this Clinton retread would leap through hoops to ingratiate himself with the new team. It’s a slam dunk this guy will make a great patsy.

__ Alberto Gonzales – This guy has “piñata” written all over his face. He can’t even remember if he’s the Attorney General or the President’s Counsel anymore. He called the Geneva Conventions quaint, but now insists he was referring to local customs he experienced during family vacation in Switzerland. Deporting him would make a great twofer (it will please the anti-immigrant base and the anti-war left).

__ Douglas Fieth – This obscure Neoconservative policy wonk working in the Defense Department was once described by General Tommy Franks as “the stupidest motherf##ker on the planet.” He proved the general right by recommending the de-Baathifaction process to Paul Bremmer, which everyone agrees ignited the insurgency.

__ Paul Bremmer – A presidential envoy that reports to Donald Rumsfeld, talk about mixed messages. Bremmer set himself up as the viceroy of Iraq. He reported to the president, but took his orders from the Defense Department. Except, of course, when he made decisions on his own initiative, like his brilliant decision to disband the Iraqi Army.

__ Dick Cheney – Draft dodger with gay daughter already has approval ratings in the single-digits. This guy has got no political future. Multiple misjudgments and off target comments might make him the chump to dump. After five deferments and hiding out in secure locations it’s about time this guy took a bullet for his boss (figuratively speaking, of course).

__ The American Public – 70% of the public believed Saddam was responsible for 9/11 and that invading Iraq was a good idea. Now, only 28% of the Americans approve of the war and their commander-in-chief. Talk about flip-floppers.

There you have it. An exhaustive list of everyone who we can say has done a “heck of a job” on Iraq, if you know what I mean. We need you help in narrowing this list down to one patsy who will be fall guy when the verdict of history is rendered. Unfortunately, the Supreme Court has no jurisdiction here, so we can’t just blame the usual suspects (Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, the Clintons, or Saddam Hussein). Just remember absolutely no write in candidates, no recounts, and you can only vote for one schmuck per ballot (unless you live in Florida, in which case you can vote for any schmuck you like as often as you like).

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Interpreting Evil

The face of evil may be jolly and full of life. This lesson, and many others, is brought home by the remarkable experience of Richard W. Sonnenfeldt, one of the last living witnesses to the Nuremberg Trials that followed the collapse of the Third Reich after WWII.

Sonnenfeldt, a Jew who escaped Germany in 1938, and later fought as a private in the U.S. Army during the Battle of the Bulge, served as the chief interpreter during the Nuremberg Tribunals. His job put him face to face with the architects of evil from Hitler’s empire, men like Hermann Göring, Rudolph Hess, and Albert Speer.

So what is it like to look into the eyes of evil? Sonnenfeldt, now 83, is struck by the banality of evil, the sheer ordinariness and often mediocrity of the men who built and operated the machinery of death that would constitute the most gruesome war crime the world has ever witnessed. Take Hitler’s Foreign Minister, Joachim von Ribbentrop, a former champagne salesman who was forever spouting inane platitudes, and was so lacking in gravitas and substance, that almost everyone he met with wondered how he could have risen so far. Hitler, as one insider from the Third Reich explained to Sonnenfeldt, had never noticed Ribbentrop’s vacuity because the dictator did all the talking when meeting with his foreign minister.

Hitler, from what Sonnefeldt was able to piece together, was a political genius who surrounded himself with yes men and political toadies. He was able to create Germany’s pre-WWII economic miracle through deficit spending. And he then consolidated unchecked power through deceit, legal chicanery, and brute force.

“All of my means are rationale. Only my ends are insane.” So said Melville’s Captain Ahab. This motto might explain Hitler’s methodology – efficient, but utterly lunatic. With a few exceptions the functionaries he surrounded himself were like the mindless cogs in a machine, human drones did their work with great zeal, but little human understanding. For instance, one nazi was asked if he was responsible for killing three-and-half millions Jews; he replied, nonchalantly, that the true figure was only two-and-half million, the rest had died of disease and starvation. Another anecdote Sonnenfeldt relates involves the accusation that a death camp commandant had allowed German guards to steal gold fillings from Jewish victims. “What kind of man do you think I am” was the nazi’s indignant reply.

Stalin one said, “one death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic.” Sonnenfeldt’s testament is a reminder that power separated from the rule of law is an invitation to evil. Conversely, there is a wonderful Jewish proverb – “If you save one life, you save the world entire” – that I believe stands as an eternal antidote to evil. If you are seeking insight into human nature, evil, and how simple decency can triumph over barbarism, then I highly recommend Sonnenfeldt’s book Witness to Nuremberg.

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