The No Voter Left Behind Quiz

Presidential “hopeful” John McCain insists none of his colleagues would confuse him with Miss Congeniality. But if the truth be told, the vitriolic voters mouthing off at McCain’s campaign rallies could make the late Queen of Mean, Leona Helmsley, seem like Miss Manners in comparison. In order to alleviate extreme voter ignorance and anger, Congress has passed emergency education measures designed to enlighten the America’s dimmest citizens. Take the test now to ensure your political IQ is up to snuff.

1). Barack Obama hails from which foreign country?

a) Barackistan
b) Guantanamo
c) Hawaii
d) Iraq

The correct answer is C. Technically, Hawaii is sovereign U.S. territory, but you need a passport to get there and most real Americans do not have passports. The discerning reader will note that Iraq is de facto America’s 51st state. Of course, Guantanomo both is and isn’t U.S. territory at the same time, so this was a trick question. Deduct 15 points only if you picked A.

2). Barack Obama will _____ if he’s elected.

a) Raise your taxes to pay for the Bush deficits.
b) Convert America to Islam.
c) Take away your God given right to own the assault weapon of your choice.
d) Institutes educational reform which scraps silly multiple choice tests that emphasize rote learning.

The correct answer, Allah be praised, is D. If you answered C please multiply the number of assault weapons you own by 5 and deduct the answer accordingly. If you answered A, then deduct 500 points and please send a check covering your final point total to the address below.

3). Sarah Palin’s plan to solve America’s energy crisis and climate change can be summed up with which slogan?

a) “We hockey moms are pit bulls with lipstick.”
b) “Say it ain’t so Joe. There you go again”
c) “Drill, baby, drill!”
d) “Our opponents want to raise the white flag of surrender.”

The correct answer in C. What distinguishes this platitude from the other cliches is that it is actually about energy. If you had trouble with this section I suggest you brush up on your banalities. Joe six-packs that got this question wrong should deduct 2 points for every beer you normally consume for breakfast on Election Day (2 x 24 = 48). Hockey moms who got this question wrong should deduct one point for every month your youngest daughter is pregnant out of wedlock.

4) John McCain’s plans on appointing ______ as Treasury Secretary in order to get America back on track.

a) Meg Whitman – the former CEO has a great plan to auction derivatives and credit default swaps on Ebay, which would allow individuals to get a better deal on the toxic mortgages than if the government bought them wholesale on behalf of all taxpayers.
b) Phil Gramm – This is the guy who astutely observed we Americans are in a mental recession. $700 billion in free therapy with Dr. Phil sounds just like what the doctor ordered to cure a nation of whiners.
c) Carla Fiorina – Former HP CEO managed to turn her company around. Unfortunately it was in the wrong direction, but her golden parachute was less obscene than many others were.

d) Joe the Plumber

e) None of the above

The correct answer is E. We hope. Deduct 2000 Dow Jones points for answering A, 5000 points for B, and 3000 points for C. But you can bet the ranch that the economy will really go down the drain if McCain taps Roto Rooter Man, Joe Wurzelbacher, to be Treasury Secretary

5). George W. Bush’s most enduring legacy is likely to be?

a). He single-handedly ruined the Republican Party.
b). He discredited the idea of privatizing Social Security once and for all.
c). Americans will be forever indebted to Bush for his fiscal policies.
d). Succeeded in doing more damage to the United States than Osama bin Laden.
f). All of the above

The correct answer is F, which as it happens is the grade History will give our 43rd president.

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