Who is to Blame for Iraq ?

The slow pace of success in Iraq disappoints President Bush. He knows the Congress didn’t vote for failure when it authorized the war, but someone must be held accountable for the fact certain Democratic defeatists might de-fund the war before we can say Mission Accomplished. Therefore, it is essential that we find a scapegoat, a complete schmuck who will bear the entire moral, political, and historical responsibility for getting us into this nation building exercise in Iraq without an exit strategy. This is where you come in. We need your help in pinning the tail on the @$$hole that got us into Iraq. Please vote for the schmuck of your choice. No write in candidates. Ballots are not subject to recounts. And the Florida State Legislature and/or the United States Supreme Court may reject any and all ballots for any reason whatsoever.

__ Paul Wolfowitz (aka Wolfowitz of Arabia) – Insisted oil revenues could finance Iraq’s reconstruction with enough petrodollars left over to cover his girlfriend’s salary. Underestimated troop requirements by half-a-million and then managed to look ridiculous combing his hair with his own saliva in Michael Moore’s film Fahrenheit 9/11.

__ Donald Rumsfeld – “Freedom is messy.” “Stuff Happens” “You go to war with the army you got.” “We know where they [the non-existent WMD] are. They are in Tikrit and the area around Baghdad.” This guy is more talkative than “Baghdad Bob,” but he makes less sense.

__ Condoleezza Rice – “We can’t wait till a smoking gun becomes a mushroom cloud.” This has to be the mother of all mixed metaphors. Miss Perfect failed to pass on urgent warnings to her boss that could have prevented 9/11. And then failed to be an honest broker between the intelligence community (which had caveats about Saddam’s WMD) and the axis-of-disinformation (Cheney, Rumsfeld, & Chalabi).

__ George Tenet – They say white guys can’t jump, but this Clinton retread would leap through hoops to ingratiate himself with the new team. It’s a slam dunk this guy will make a great patsy.

__ Alberto Gonzales – This guy has “piñata” written all over his face. He can’t even remember if he’s the Attorney General or the President’s Counsel anymore. He called the Geneva Conventions quaint, but now insists he was referring to local customs he experienced during family vacation in Switzerland. Deporting him would make a great twofer (it will please the anti-immigrant base and the anti-war left).

__ Douglas Fieth – This obscure Neoconservative policy wonk working in the Defense Department was once described by General Tommy Franks as “the stupidest motherf##ker on the planet.” He proved the general right by recommending the de-Baathifaction process to Paul Bremmer, which everyone agrees ignited the insurgency.

__ Paul Bremmer – A presidential envoy that reports to Donald Rumsfeld, talk about mixed messages. Bremmer set himself up as the viceroy of Iraq. He reported to the president, but took his orders from the Defense Department. Except, of course, when he made decisions on his own initiative, like his brilliant decision to disband the Iraqi Army.

__ Dick Cheney – Draft dodger with gay daughter already has approval ratings in the single-digits. This guy has got no political future. Multiple misjudgments and off target comments might make him the chump to dump. After five deferments and hiding out in secure locations it’s about time this guy took a bullet for his boss (figuratively speaking, of course).

__ The American Public – 70% of the public believed Saddam was responsible for 9/11 and that invading Iraq was a good idea. Now, only 28% of the Americans approve of the war and their commander-in-chief. Talk about flip-floppers.

There you have it. An exhaustive list of everyone who we can say has done a “heck of a job” on Iraq, if you know what I mean. We need you help in narrowing this list down to one patsy who will be fall guy when the verdict of history is rendered. Unfortunately, the Supreme Court has no jurisdiction here, so we can’t just blame the usual suspects (Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, the Clintons, or Saddam Hussein). Just remember absolutely no write in candidates, no recounts, and you can only vote for one schmuck per ballot (unless you live in Florida, in which case you can vote for any schmuck you like as often as you like).

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