Is George W. Bush Driving you Crazy? Take This Multiple Choice Test to Find Out

It is my deeply held conviction that the world is crazier than I am. Of course, I’m close to certifiable myself, so this must mean the rest of the world is off its rocker. For those of you who are completely sane, you have my deepest sympathy. After all, trying to maintain one’s sanity in an insane world is sure to drive you crazy, eventually. If you don’t believe the world is just plain irrational just consider trying to pass this Psychological Inventory prepared by the APA meant to test your mental stability:

1) You are in a lavatory stall when a conservative Republican Congressman peeks his head beneath the divider. Do you?

a) Give him a campaign contribution and run like hell.
b) Ask him if he thinks Bush’s surge is working.
c) Thank him for championing legislation that upholds the sanctity of marriage.
d) Ask him if he liked Will Ferrell wearing leotards in the movie Blades of Glory.
e) Wear pampers like astronaut Lisa Nowak and avoid public restrooms altogether.

The correct answer, of course, is none of the above. You should probably spray the congressman with mace and move your family to Canada. But because this is a multiple choice test devised by the mental health professionals any answer that you give can be interpreted as a sign that you are truly disturbed. For instance:

2) Imagine you are the president of the United States of America. You’ve just ordered the invasion of country X, but you have inadvertently started a civil war. Your generals tell you that cutting and running will spark a regional conflagration and staying the course will destroy America’s military. Do you?

a) See if the job you really wanted -- baseball commissioner – is still available.
b) Do what you always do when you screw up; ask mom and dad for help.
c) Take troops from country X and invade country Y.
d) Blame the politicians in Washington.

Once again, the correct answer is none of the above. The world was a mess before you took office and it will be a mess after you leave. If the next guy/gal wants your job so bad, then let them figure out what to do.

The next question he designed to test if you have a conflict between the delusions of grandeur we all harbor and a natural resentment of authority figures.

3) President Bush reminds me of which fictional superhero?

a) Inspector Clouseau
b) Mr. Bean
c) The Wizard of Oz
d) Captain Kirk
e) The Lone Ranger

This one had me stumped, I admit, till I realized it was all of the above. Now, here’s a question designed to test your moral reasoning:

4) You are pulling in $6 billion a year salary as the manager of an exclusive hedge fund, but hordes of deadbeat sub-prime borrowers can’t keep up with the double-digit spike in their adjustable rate mortgages. If they default, then the value of the assets in your portfolio will be worthless. The best course of action is to:

a) Call the Fed Chairman collect and ask him to print more money so that someone -- anyone – will have enough money to buy the junk bonds you need to sell pronto.
b) Call the President collect and ask him to read, Socialism for the Rich: Why Deficits Don’t Matter, by economist Ken Lay. Then read him the riot act and tell him he needs to cut taxes right away on capital gains, inheritances, and financial windfalls.
c) Buy every Lotto and Powerball ticket in the country.
d) Ebenezer Scrooge was right; foreclosing on deadbeats is the only way to engender fiscal responsibility.

The correct answer, of course, is none of the above. The savvy hedge fund manager should immediately recognize that his best bet is to liquefy his position by selling his worthless stock and bond certificates on EBay, before some other hedge fund manager gets wise and has the same idea.

Congratulations! You’ve just complete the APA’s Psychological Inventory designed to measure your degree of personal psychosis. By now you are probably wondering how you fared? Just count up the number of belly laughs, chuckles, and snickers you experienced in taking this test. If you:

1) Laughed five or more times – You are psychologically well adjusted and are probably qualified to serve as Hillary Clinton’s running mate.
2) Chuckled twice and snickered once – Go back and take this test again and see if you can’t do better next time.
3) You didn’t laugh once – You are definitely a Republican and you probably think Barack Hussein Obama is the leader of the terrorist organization that attacked America.

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