Wall Street vs. Sesame Street

High Flying Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney Threatens Big Bird with Extinction.

Ex-vulture Capitalist Ruffles Feathers by Hatching Secret Plan Targeting Big Bird.

Deputy EPA director Burt McMuppet issued an emergency executive order protecting all fowl wildlife 8ft tall or taller, a ruling seemingly crafted to protect the PBS’s Big Bird, but which legal experts claim may be extended several NBA players with large wingspans as well.  The surprise ruling immediately attracted the ire of conservative lawmakers and pundits who have declared an open season on the outsized symbol of Sesame Street.  Jim Cramer, host of Mad Money and rumored to be the front runner for the job as Treasury Secretary in a Romney administration, sums up the conservative mindset well when he insists that characters like Big Bird, Bert, Ernie, and Oscar the Grouch are not wealth creators like those on Wall Street.  “Big Bird is entitled to feather his nest like everyone else,” Cramer squawked, “but he’s not a job or wealth creator like the vulture capitalists at Bain,” a reference to the hedge fund Romney ran before entering politics.   “You can’t expect the wealth creators on Wall Street to pay higher taxes just to subsidize the characters on Sesame Street.  After all, bailing out irresponsible deadbeat Muppets can only lead to moral hazard.”

The liberal economist and Nobel Laureate Paul Krugman disagrees:   “PBS is paying Big Bird chickenfeed.  Oscar is living in a garbage can for Pete’s sake!  No wonder he’s grouchy.  You can’t have a thriving Sesame Street without asking those who pull the financial strings on Wall Street to pay a little more.  If income inequality continues to grow, the Muppets will occupy Sesame Street.”

President Obama belatedly came to Big Bird’s defense today.  Speaking at a campaign rally in Dayton, Ohio, the Commander-in-Chief insisted: “I grew up with Big Bird.  Big Bird is a friend of mine.  I call on Governor Romney to keep his Mitts off Big Bird.”  However, Governor Romney, basking in the glow of his debate performance against the President, reiterated his commitment to go after Big Bird.  “I’m a job creator,” Romney insisted, “and I’m not going to borrow money from China to subsidize Sesame Street.  If Big Bird wants to build his retirement nest egg, then he should go out and get a job in the private sector.  I mean teaching kids math and their ABC’s is strictly for the birds.  Our society needs to disproportionally reward the risk-takers and speculators who create the fundamentals of a sustainable economy.”

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