The Libby Verdict -- Scooter Gets Off Scot Free

“Our entire system of justice relies on people telling the truth. And if a person does not tell the truth, particularly if he serves in government and holds the public trust, he must be held accountable.” – George W. Bush

If hypocrisy if the tribute vice pays to virtue, then George Bush is lavishing double standards with as much gusto as a shopaholic who just won the lotto. Cheney’s “Cheney,” as Lewis “Scooter” Libby was known, was undoubtedly the fall guy for the vice-president. That’s the conclusion the jury reached when they reluctantly convicted Libby for perjury and obstruction of justice. It was clear they believed that Cheney, Rove, and Bush deserved to be in the prosecutor’s crosshairs.

Libby’s crime, as prosecutor Fitzgerald characterized it, was like throwing sand in an umpire’s face (a new twist, incidentally, on the notion that justice should be blind). Which is why Fitzgerald asserted, “there is a cloud hanging over the vice-president’s office.”

Actually, the sandstorm that is hanging over the entire White House is Iraq: how America was led to war under false pretenses, how the administration slimed its critics, and how the administration rigged the system to circumvent the Constitution.

The Libby case encapsulates the Bush Administration’s relationship to justice: it uses legalities to undermine the law. Cheney’s office, for instance, was responsible for crafting the dubious legal rationales that justified the use of torture against enemy combatants. These unprecedented interpretations of executive authority were fashioned, at least in part, to immunize leaders like Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Bush from being charged with war crimes. Of course, if there was any serious chance of Bush being held to account for violating the Geneva conventions you can be sure he’d find a way to preemptively pardon himself.

Eliminating the possibility that Libby might spend time behind bars ensures that he won’t cut a deal with Fitzgerald in exchange for leniency. Thus, the commutation makes certain that Cheney, Rove, and Bush will not be implicated in any further proceedings relating to the improper disclosure of a CIA agent’s identity. Bush’s commutation is a self-serving obstruction of justice that undermines the idea that all citizens are equal under the law.

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George W. Bush -- Multiple Choice Test

One day, perhaps fifty years from now, the story of the Bush Administration and the Battle for Iraq will figure prominently in the history books. American schoolchildren will be given multiple-choice quizzes to test their knowledge of this crucial period of American history. Deconstructing Demagogues has obtained an advance copy of the still top-secret examination.

1). Which country was NOT part of the coalition of the willing that liberated Iraq from the evildoer Saddam?

a) Moldavia
b) Atlantis
c) The Republic of Tonga

2). Saddam’s missing WMD cache was eventually found where:

a) An antique shop right outside Tikrit where Donald Rumsfeld said they were all along.
b) A gun show held in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven in Waco, Texas.
c) A 4th of July fireworks display at Disneyland.
d) We think they were actually in Iran, but it may be centuries before we can shift through the radioactive rubble to confirm this hypothesis.

3). Which public relations event revived the Bush presidency in the eyes of both the public and historians?

a) President Bush in a wet suit and a snorkel looking for survivors after Katrina II.
b) The unveiling of Bush’s statue in Baghdad after the president issued an executive order declaring Iraq was America’s 51st state during the final days of his term.
c) Bush heroic last words, “Yipeekayeeee Mother Earth,” just before the secret space shuttle he was piloting tragically crashed into the international space station.


4). Global Warming turned out to be less of a big deal than expected because:

a) Water from melting polar icecaps helped extinguish wildfires that nearly consumed the entire state of California.
b) When temperatures hit 150 degrees in Baghdad during the summer of 2008 the insurgents sued for peace in exchange for U.S. commitment to install frozen slurpee stands in every mosque in Iraq.
c) Cheney’s Ark proved to be the one project the vice-president championed that left the naysayers looking foolish.

5). The U.S. Mint replaced George Washington’s likeness on the $1 bill with George W. Bush’s mug because:

a) The dollar is now worth a fraction of what it once was
b) New treasury department slogan -- “It’s your money. You paid for it.” Which replaced “In God we Trust” – seemed a better fit with Bush’s portrait than Washington’s
c) $$$ with Bush likeness proved a brilliant economic policy in so far as eager foreigners scooped up cheap paper currency, which proved more cost effective than Kleenex tissue and other household paper products.

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Free Libby Letter by Ahmad Chalabi

Lewis “Scooter” Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison for perjury and obstruction of justice. The court received hundreds of letters recommending leniency for Libby from top officials and ordinary citizens. The following letter, which was initially marked TOP-SECRET, was obtained under the freedom of information act.

To: The Honorable Reggie B. Watson:
From: Ahmad Chalabi
Subject: Leniency for Lewis “Scooter” Libby

Lewis “Scooter” Libby’s conviction for perjury and obstruction is the greatest miscarriage of justice since Paris Hilton was forced to shed her pink gown for prison garb. Let’s be frank, Scooter’s scalp is merely a political trophy for those who’d like to see Dick Cheney and George W. Bush in the dock. The mushroom clouds, aluminum tubes, and yellowcake uranium from Africa turned out to be mere mirages in the desert. But then so was the crime of leaking that Libby’s lies were meant to cover up. You follow me? I hope not, because the more confusing the criminal case the stronger the case for acquitting, pardoning, and exonerating Scooter becomes.

I ask you to bear in mind, your Honor, that the jury that convicted “Scooter” believed he was the fall guy. There are conspiracy theorists that believe that Libby misled prosecutors in order to thwart the leak investigation until after the 2004 election. But even if this were true does this justify jail time for the guy who was asked to fall on his sword for his bosses. Isn’t this a form of double jeopardy? Do we really want to criminalize politics? Has my Persian penchant for paradox perplexed your proclivity for moral clarity?

You Americans think the world is black & white, but we in the Middle East recognize reality is paradoxical, shrouded in contradictions, and veiled in ironies without end. If the war had went well do you think Libby would be heading for a cell? Saddam believed he was lying when he said he didn’t have WMD, but he was telling the truth (even if no one believed him). Bush was untruthful when he insisted Saddam had WMD, but he believed his own falsehoods, which means he was misleading himself, but not lying to the American people. But if Bush had told truth Saddam might still be in power and still trying to acquire WMD. So you see, lying and telling the truth are not all they are cracked up to be. That's reason enough, it seems to me, to set Libby free.

Karl Kraus once said that wars are started when politicians lie to journalists and then believe those same lies when they seem them in print. But the Iraq War was well underway when Libby was accused of misleading reporters. Therefore, it’s patently unfair to try and make Libby a poster boy for “a war based on lies,” which is precisely what critics of the war are trying to do. Freeing Libby won’t win the war in Iraq. But it may convince critics of the war to abandon all hope of ever holding the Bush Administration to account for waging this noble war.

Sincerely,

Ahmad Chalabi (from Tehran)

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Top Ten Reasons to Free “Scooter” Libby

10) We need precious prison space to house the really dangerous criminals, like Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and Brittany Spears.

9) Pardoning Scooter so he can go back to work at the Bush Administration would be punishment enough.

8) Scooter’s boss, Dick Cheney, is getting kind of lonely at his own secure location without his old bunkmate.

7) A short white guy named “Scooter” doesn’t stand a chance in a Federal pen.

6) “Holy Halliburton. I just realized the same private contractors that ran Abu Ghraib are running the Scooter’s slammer too. Ask Jr. to ask Alberto where we keep those get out of jail free cards.” – Dick Cheney.

5) “If Scooter starts crooning like a canary before going to Sing Sing I’m afraid the whole White House band may be playing Hail to the Chief from behind bars.” – Karl Rove

4) “I agree that Scooter should get off Scot free, but why hasn’t anyone recommended a straight-jacket for Donald Rumsfeld?” – Sigmund Freud

3) “Scooter Libby is fine public servant whose only crime is that he was working diligently on behalf of the American public. And for this he has been hounded from his duties and treated like a criminal. It’s not as if he had sex with an intern.” -- Ken Starr (Special Inquisitor)

2) “Scooter is being treated like an enemy combatant. He has no rights. This is torturing his family. And it’s a clear violation of the Geneva Conventions.” -- Alberto Gonzales

1) Locking up a small fry like Scooter makes about as much sense as locking up Tony Soprano’s accountant while the big enchilada goes about his business like nothing happened.

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Secret New Directive Allows Bush to Torture Language

President Bush signed a super secret executive order that authorizes him, in his role as commander-in-chief, to torture the any member of the Axis-of-Information (language, reason, or truth) without court approval. Previously, according to long-standing American tradition, any president who wanted to stretch language to the breaking point, douse the truth, or shock reason had to go before a special magistrate in order obtain a writ of verbias corpus.

Most Americans would probably be surprised to learn that beneath the White House bunker is a secret chamber where men in black hoods use sharp instruments to chop words, dissect logic, and mince meaning. As one former linguistic inquisitor put it: “We have the tools to make language talk. We may have to get a little rough, but we’ll get those damn words to open up. When we’re through with them they’ll tell us everything we want to hear.”

The Department of Linguistic Conformity, which was set up during the last days of the Nixon Administration, remains one of the most secretive and sensitive institutions in the bowels of the government. Most officials refuse to confirm or deny its existence, but recently an unlawfully detained detainee, who for the purposes of protecting his identity we will identify only as Straw Man, has come forward to expose horrific examples of linguistic abuse.

“They’re bending logic like a pretzel, they’ve turned meaning inside out, and they’ve had common sense tied up without a let up for more than six years. They picked me [Straw Man] up around election time and flailed me until I was of no use to them anymore. I was putty in their hands. But you should have seen what they did with a couple of guys nicknamed Bait & Switch. They roughed them up so bad they switched sides and are working for the administration. Talk about flip-floppers. One thing I know for sure, they [the administration] are not interested in the truth.”

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Carter: "Bush is the Worst President Ever "(Bush Sr. Responds).

Stung by former president Jimmy Carter’s assessment, that George W. Bush will go down in history as the “worst president ever,” the president’s daddy, George H.W. Bush, leapt to his son’s defense, saying that G.W.B. will eclipse J.F.K., F.D.R., and S.O.B as “simply the greatest, most splendiferous, supercallifragallisticexpialidocious commander-in-chief ever.” (Several historians consulted believe S.O.B refers to William Jefferson Clinton).

The elder Bush, now 83, could scarcely contain his rage as he repeatedly referred to Carter, a one-time peanut farmer, as “Mr. Peanut Head.” The senior Bush, has been reluctant to offer advice, or make public comments regarding his son’s sagging poll numbers, but aides say he is privately agonized by the criticism from “egg-head historians, al-Qaeda-coddling commentators in the media, and flip-flopping American couch potatoes.”

“When I went in and nabbed Pineapple Face (a reference to the capture of Panamanian strongman Manuel Noregia following the U.S. invasion) I was criticized for getting Ali Baba, but leaving the Forty Thieves. But Jr. got that joker, Saddam, and almost the full deck of the fifty-two evildoers in the Iraqi house of cards. That certainly trumps getting that other guy, Obama, what’s his name? You know the tall skinny guy with the funny name.”

The former president may have been confusing Barack Hussein Obama, a leading democratic presidential candidate, with Osama bin Laden, America’s most wanted fugitive. In any event, Bush Sr. remembers that his son has always attracted a lot of naysayers. “There were those who said he couldn’t hold his liquor, couldn’t find oil when he was a prospector, and couldn’t win a championship with the Texas Rangers. But by golly look at him now, he’s the leader of the free world. I’m so proud I could cry.”

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Who is to Blame for Iraq ?

The slow pace of success in Iraq disappoints President Bush. He knows the Congress didn’t vote for failure when it authorized the war, but someone must be held accountable for the fact certain Democratic defeatists might de-fund the war before we can say Mission Accomplished. Therefore, it is essential that we find a scapegoat, a complete schmuck who will bear the entire moral, political, and historical responsibility for getting us into this nation building exercise in Iraq without an exit strategy. This is where you come in. We need your help in pinning the tail on the @$$hole that got us into Iraq. Please vote for the schmuck of your choice. No write in candidates. Ballots are not subject to recounts. And the Florida State Legislature and/or the United States Supreme Court may reject any and all ballots for any reason whatsoever.

__ Paul Wolfowitz (aka Wolfowitz of Arabia) – Insisted oil revenues could finance Iraq’s reconstruction with enough petrodollars left over to cover his girlfriend’s salary. Underestimated troop requirements by half-a-million and then managed to look ridiculous combing his hair with his own saliva in Michael Moore’s film Fahrenheit 9/11.

__ Donald Rumsfeld – “Freedom is messy.” “Stuff Happens” “You go to war with the army you got.” “We know where they [the non-existent WMD] are. They are in Tikrit and the area around Baghdad.” This guy is more talkative than “Baghdad Bob,” but he makes less sense.

__ Condoleezza Rice – “We can’t wait till a smoking gun becomes a mushroom cloud.” This has to be the mother of all mixed metaphors. Miss Perfect failed to pass on urgent warnings to her boss that could have prevented 9/11. And then failed to be an honest broker between the intelligence community (which had caveats about Saddam’s WMD) and the axis-of-disinformation (Cheney, Rumsfeld, & Chalabi).

__ George Tenet – They say white guys can’t jump, but this Clinton retread would leap through hoops to ingratiate himself with the new team. It’s a slam dunk this guy will make a great patsy.

__ Alberto Gonzales – This guy has “piñata” written all over his face. He can’t even remember if he’s the Attorney General or the President’s Counsel anymore. He called the Geneva Conventions quaint, but now insists he was referring to local customs he experienced during family vacation in Switzerland. Deporting him would make a great twofer (it will please the anti-immigrant base and the anti-war left).

__ Douglas Fieth – This obscure Neoconservative policy wonk working in the Defense Department was once described by General Tommy Franks as “the stupidest motherf##ker on the planet.” He proved the general right by recommending the de-Baathifaction process to Paul Bremmer, which everyone agrees ignited the insurgency.

__ Paul Bremmer – A presidential envoy that reports to Donald Rumsfeld, talk about mixed messages. Bremmer set himself up as the viceroy of Iraq. He reported to the president, but took his orders from the Defense Department. Except, of course, when he made decisions on his own initiative, like his brilliant decision to disband the Iraqi Army.

__ Dick Cheney – Draft dodger with gay daughter already has approval ratings in the single-digits. This guy has got no political future. Multiple misjudgments and off target comments might make him the chump to dump. After five deferments and hiding out in secure locations it’s about time this guy took a bullet for his boss (figuratively speaking, of course).

__ The American Public – 70% of the public believed Saddam was responsible for 9/11 and that invading Iraq was a good idea. Now, only 28% of the Americans approve of the war and their commander-in-chief. Talk about flip-floppers.

There you have it. An exhaustive list of everyone who we can say has done a “heck of a job” on Iraq, if you know what I mean. We need you help in narrowing this list down to one patsy who will be fall guy when the verdict of history is rendered. Unfortunately, the Supreme Court has no jurisdiction here, so we can’t just blame the usual suspects (Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, the Clintons, or Saddam Hussein). Just remember absolutely no write in candidates, no recounts, and you can only vote for one schmuck per ballot (unless you live in Florida, in which case you can vote for any schmuck you like as often as you like).

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Interpreting Evil

The face of evil may be jolly and full of life. This lesson, and many others, is brought home by the remarkable experience of Richard W. Sonnenfeldt, one of the last living witnesses to the Nuremberg Trials that followed the collapse of the Third Reich after WWII.

Sonnenfeldt, a Jew who escaped Germany in 1938, and later fought as a private in the U.S. Army during the Battle of the Bulge, served as the chief interpreter during the Nuremberg Tribunals. His job put him face to face with the architects of evil from Hitler’s empire, men like Hermann Göring, Rudolph Hess, and Albert Speer.

So what is it like to look into the eyes of evil? Sonnenfeldt, now 83, is struck by the banality of evil, the sheer ordinariness and often mediocrity of the men who built and operated the machinery of death that would constitute the most gruesome war crime the world has ever witnessed. Take Hitler’s Foreign Minister, Joachim von Ribbentrop, a former champagne salesman who was forever spouting inane platitudes, and was so lacking in gravitas and substance, that almost everyone he met with wondered how he could have risen so far. Hitler, as one insider from the Third Reich explained to Sonnenfeldt, had never noticed Ribbentrop’s vacuity because the dictator did all the talking when meeting with his foreign minister.

Hitler, from what Sonnefeldt was able to piece together, was a political genius who surrounded himself with yes men and political toadies. He was able to create Germany’s pre-WWII economic miracle through deficit spending. And he then consolidated unchecked power through deceit, legal chicanery, and brute force.

“All of my means are rationale. Only my ends are insane.” So said Melville’s Captain Ahab. This motto might explain Hitler’s methodology – efficient, but utterly lunatic. With a few exceptions the functionaries he surrounded himself were like the mindless cogs in a machine, human drones did their work with great zeal, but little human understanding. For instance, one nazi was asked if he was responsible for killing three-and-half millions Jews; he replied, nonchalantly, that the true figure was only two-and-half million, the rest had died of disease and starvation. Another anecdote Sonnenfeldt relates involves the accusation that a death camp commandant had allowed German guards to steal gold fillings from Jewish victims. “What kind of man do you think I am” was the nazi’s indignant reply.

Stalin one said, “one death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic.” Sonnenfeldt’s testament is a reminder that power separated from the rule of law is an invitation to evil. Conversely, there is a wonderful Jewish proverb – “If you save one life, you save the world entire” – that I believe stands as an eternal antidote to evil. If you are seeking insight into human nature, evil, and how simple decency can triumph over barbarism, then I highly recommend Sonnenfeldt’s book Witness to Nuremberg.

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When History Comes Calling

When History finally catches up with George W. Bush it is likely to be in a foul and unforgiving mood. Demagogic scoundrels, to be sure, have run their countries into the ditch before. But the sheer scale of the Bush Administration’s blunders, coupled with its transparent sophistry, takes the breath away. Future generations are likely to gape in awe at Bush’s gall and how he and his minions could continue to get away with it all.

A stolen election, ignoring urgent pre-9/11 warnings, the intelligence fiasco surrounding Iraq’s non-existent WMD, an illegal war, a bollixed reconstruction, a corrupt occupation, the torture and sexual abuse at Abu Ghraib, the P.R. disaster of Guantánamo, unlawful domestic wiretaps, a loony Defense Secretary, a scatterbrained Attorney General, the botched federal response to Katrina, and the failure to address global warming all represent a mind-numbing litany of crimes and errors.

The one thing the Bush Administration has excelled at, however, is in avoiding the consequences of its mendacity and incompetence. It’s approval ratings may be in the low thirties – an indication its credibility has cratered – but democrats are still fearful that Bush will somehow manage to pin the failure in Iraq on their posterior, making them look likes the asses that lost the war.

The Bush strategy in this regard is simple: paint the opponents of the war as insincere defeatists who want America to lose. This amounts to demonizing the opposition as fifth columnists that represent as grave a threat to America’s national security as al-Qaeda.

Bush strategy here is craven. Bush rejected the recommendations of the bi-partisan Baker-Hamilton commission – which offered him a face-saving way of extricating America from the misadventure in Iraq – opting instead for a risky troop surge that few military experts believe has any chance of succeeding. The move may serve little military purpose, beyond postponing the inevitable, but it does manage to turns U.S. troops into political pawns. If the democratic Congress tries to shut down the war, then Bush can always accuse democrats of not supporting the troops. No doubt, Bush’s spiel about “politicians in Washington” overruling the generals on the ground is getting thinner than Karl Rove’s hair, but the president has already proven he’s willing to stay on a given course of attack with all the mindless tenacity of a dead-ender.

It’s mission impossible to imagine a happy outcome in Iraq. Put simply, Alberto Gonzales has a better chance of holding on to his job than Nuri al-Maliki has of holding on to his. The democrats who gave Bush a blank check may have a lot to answer for, but Bush is the one that will be called to account by History. He was the cheer-leader-in-chief who led the charge against phantom stockpiles of WMD. He donned the flight suit and unilaterally declared the end of major combat operations. He made “stay the course” his mantra until it was apparent his stale cliché was leading nowhere. History will catch up with George W. Bush. Bring it on.

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Fire vs. Ice

Some say the world will end in fire. Some say in ice. But is it possible America might expire in a fit of stupidity? Watching the media circus freak show -- populated lately with the likes of the late Anna Nicole Smith, Don Imus, Rosie O’Donnell, Larry Birkhead, Al Sharpton, Ashley Simpson, et al – it’s hard not to imagine that American popular culture is in the last throes of a terminal senescence.

Much do about nothing might be the phrase that best describes the cable TV shout fests dedicated to dissecting every shred of information on the most insipid of subject matters: like what substances Anna Nicole injected into her infected buttocks before she succumbed to a virtual pharmacopoeia of prescription drugs strong enough tranquilize an army of elephants.

Iraq is exploding. The Bush Administration is imploding. But the American masses will not be denied their bread and circuses. The media clowns know the beast must be fed, but the whole “cultural” spectacle has taken on a self-referential air. Hence the self-important pundits are busy cannibalizing one another (so that they are the last ones fed to the lions). That is, all the so-called “news anchors,” like Bill O’Reilly at Fox, spend an inordinate amount of time and attention tearing apart personalities at competing networks instead of covering actual news.

Meanwhile, al-Qaeda is plotting its next attack against the “corrupt infidels.” It’s not a matter of if, but when. The only question remaining is this: will we make their job unnecessary?

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Bush vs. the Truth

If George Bush told me it was sunny and 70 degrees outside, I’d bring an umbrella and wear galoshes before going out. To put it charitably, Bush’s credibility has sunk further than a Russian submarine; it’s just not coming back. This is tragic for the United States. As Winston Churchill observed, “a democratic people can face any adversity, provided they believe their leaders are leveling with them and not living in a fool’s paradise.”

Bush has failed Churchill’s test on both counts. The administration still claims, of course, that it was duped by the same bad intelligence everyone else believed. This is disingenuous; Bush and his underlings confidently asserted there was no doubt whatsoever that Saddam possessed WMD, but the intelligence community was split on the issue.

Put simply, the Bush Administration had no basis for insisting that the case for Saddam’s alleged WMD was an open and shut case. At the very least, Bush did not exercise due diligence in vouching for cherry picked intelligence; at worst he was flat out deceitful.

Bush is so careless with the truth, however, that one has to wonder if he’s opted out of the “reality-based” community for his own Alice in Wonderland alternative universe (where up is down). For instance, at a town meeting forum, Bush claimed as one of the reasons for going to war the “fact” that Saddam kicked the weapons inspectors out of Iraq. This is false; it a matter of historical record that Bush recalled the inspectors, claiming they weren’t working. Subsequently, the chief weapons inspector, Hans Blix, has gone on record saying that had the inspections process played out for just another two weeks the world community would have known with certainty that Saddam’s alleged WMD were non-existent.

The failure to allow the weapons inspectors to finish their job has cost countless lives. This is because U.S. forces refrained from destroying Saddam’s conventional ammo dumps for fear of setting off hidden WMD stashes, but this left stockpiles of munitions for insurgents to loot, weapons that have since been turned on American forces and Iraqi civilians. This is just one example of where the intersection of ineptness and untruth has led the Bush Administration to disaster.

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Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Should Run for President in 2008.

10). Jeb used to clean up Dubya’s messes when they were kids, so he’ll know what to do about Iraq, the deficit, Walter Reed, FEMA, the Justice Department, New Orleans . . .

9). Jeb, like his dad, is kinder, gentler, taller, smarter, and more competent than W. An even partially successful Jeb Bush Administration is sure to add sibling rivalry to George Junior’s Oedipal Complex.

8). No need for Republicans to print up new bumper stickers, so long as they can entice Dick Cheney to stay in his secure location for another term (or two).

7). Lawyers, media, and voters in Palm Beach County have been looking forward to a rematch of Bush vs. Gore ever since 2000. Jeb will need more than the Supreme Court to best Gore after eight years of Dubya’s debacle.

6). A Bush has been on the national ticket in all but one election since 1980. It’s the next best thing to having a hereditary monarchy.

5). “A carpetbagger like Hillary vs. a Reb like Jeb. Sounds like the start of a civil war to me. Bring it on.” -- General Karl Rove

4). “Bush vs. Clinton seems like déjà vu all over again. Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to relive it” – Yogi Berra (Hall of Fame Historian).

3). It’s seems only natural that Florida – the land of Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Katherine Harris, Anna, Nicole Smith, and Elian’s relatives – would give America its next president.

2). The prospect of another decade with a Bush as president may convince liberals to flock to Canada, thus solving our immigration problem. – Bill O’Reilly (Fairly Unbalanced Blowhard)

1). If you think Jeb Bush should run for president, then you sure have clicked on the wrong site.

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Top Ten Reasons President Bush Should NOT be Impeached

10). Ousting Bush & Cheney would be very bad for late-night comedians and political humorists.

9). Bush has another two years and a stockpile of nuclear weapons to win the war in Iraq. Lets give him a chance.

8). Bush’s first two oil companies went belly up, and now his stint at the White House is a flop. I’m afraid if we fire him now it will damage his self-esteem.

7). Removing Bush will only embolden our enemies, especially the French and the Germans.

6). Keeping the president in office is probably the best chance we have of seeing Bush trying to land the Space Shuttle on an aircraft carrier after the administration catches Osama bin Laden.

5). Impeaching Bush now would only help boost his approval rating above 30%. Let’s leave him in there and see how low his popularity can go.

4). Hey, if we impeach Bush does that mean Cheney will become president? Personally, I’d like to keep the misfiring Veep as far away from our nuclear arsenal as possible.

3). So the president started an illegal war based on false premises that has needlessly killed and maimed tens of thousands while destroying America’s image across the world. It’s not as if he had sex with an intern in the Oval Office.

2). Media sauturation of impeachment trial is sure to interfere with my favorite TV programs.

1). Impeaching Bush would be a tacit admission that Al Gore was right all along (Oops, this is no joke).

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Top Ten Reasons Attorney General Alberto Gonzales Should Get to Keep His Job.

10). Gonzales keeps all of the administration’s “get out of jail” cards in his wallet.

9). “Those mean and nasty democrats just got Libby, and now they’re picking on another short guy. Why don’t they pick on someone their own size?” – Osama bin Laden (World’s tallest evildoer).

8). As long as Gonzales is Attorney General it would be a blatant conflict of interest for him to prosecute himself for lying under oath before Congress, condoning illegal wiretaps, or crafting torture guidelines that violate the Geneva Conventions.

7). “A truly independent Attorney General that didn’t owe his entire career to George W. Bush, now that’s a scary thought.” –Anonymous high official

6). If Bush fired Gonzales he’d break his pledge to “look out for the little guy.”

5). “First Rummy, then Libby, and now Stubby. This is beginning to look like that Agatha Christie novel, The Ten Little Indians, where someone gets bumped off one by one until there’s nobody left.” -- Anonymous high official hunkered down in a secure location

4). According to torture guidelines drawn up by top democrats, it may be more tormenting to let Gonzales twist in the wind with the rest of the administration for another 21 months.

3). “I’m not in favor of dismissing our Attorney General, but if George does have to let Alberto go I hope we can find a place for him with the Rose Garden landscaping crew.” First Lady Laura Bush

2). Very few experts in the administration are left who could draft new torture memos in case Osama is caught.

1). Hard to find someone of Gonzales’ stature to fill the job.

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Top Ten Reasons Ann Coulter is America’s Sweetheart

With Bush & Cheney's popularity waning Ann Coulter has become the new poster child for compassionate conservatism. Here are the top-ten reasons she's become America's Sweetheart.

10). "There’s something about a female Archie Bunker that makes my head spin." -- Bill O'Reilly (Conservative crumudgeon and host of the No-Spin Zone).

9). "A woman who can talk tax cuts, firearms, and NASCAR sure puts me in the mood." -- Sean Hannity

8). Doesn’t every guy in America secretly desire a towering, tart-tongued, condescending termagant who earns 50 times what he does?

7). Coulter’s cameo as Captain Jack Sparrow’s psychopathic aunt in the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: Revenge of the Shrew will make her as popular among today’s school children as Miss Gulch (the Wicked Witch of the East) from The Wizard of Oz was during the depression.

6). With Coulter’s killer body, personal charm, and innate diplomatic skills I’m surprised the Bush Administration hasn’t appointed her ambassador to North Korea. I’m sure Kim Jung Ill would give up his nukes to go one-on-one with Ann.

5). Ann’s innate warmth, self-effacing modesty, and abundant empathy are qualities any prospective mother-in law would appreciate.

4). "It's about time somebody had the gumption to stand up to all those victims of Hurricane Katrina that had the temerity to make Bush look bad." -- Katherine Harris

3). Scientists discover that Ann’s frigid personality single-handedly offsets the effects of global warming.

2). With Brittany Spears in rehab, Coulter remains the only bona fide female conservative intellectual we have in the U.S.

1). “Hey, give Ann a break. She’s no longer the same gal who pulled the wings off butterflies, blew up frogs with firecrackers, and tried to set the homeless on fire.” -- Childhood friend.

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Cheney vs. History

“History is a nightmare from which I am trying to wake,” wrote James Joyce. The Bush Administration’s arch-pessimist, Dick Cheney, would seem to share Joyce’s dour assessment of the human condition. So it is more that a little ironic that the vice-president, a card-carrying Hobbesian if ever there was one, reportedly still believes History with a capitol “H” will vindicate the administration’s decision to invade Iraq. In other words, the gloom-monger-in-chief is counting on a happy ending in Iraq (a land with a 1,500 year history of unremitting Hobbesian strife).

I can understand that a guy who’s endured four heart attacks, a blood clot, the felony conviction of his top aide, and twenty percent approval rating has got to think positive sometime. Did I leave out the incident where the VP shot his friend in the face, the Taliban assassination attempt, and the strain of having to explain to your conservative base that your gay daughter is going to have a baby with another woman? Personally, I’d rather face Taliban assassins than explain to Focus on the Family’s James Dobson why he should read Heather Has Two Mommies.

The Veep maintains that it may be five decades before he’s vindicated. Sure, and my decision invest in lottery tickets to secure my retirement may end up being vindicated too. In the meantime, however, it’s difficult to see how the civil conflagration in Iraq, the decimation of the American military, and the fact that we’ve managed to turn Iraq into a jihadist training ground (dominated by axis-of-evil member Iran) actually furthers American interests.

Actually, the lessons of history – which us liberals supposedly didn’t learn from 9/11 – are completely lost on this administration. First of all, as anthropologist Jared Diamond notes in his book Collapse, pivotal military defeats signaling imperial decline invariably mask ecological catastrophes that are the true cause of collapse. For instance, Mayan leaders resorted to military raids against neighbors in order to maintain their lavish lifestyles and distract the masses from the ecological devastation and economic deprivations that inevitably attended slash and burn agricultural practices at home.

The U.S. faces a similar predicament as reliance on fossil fuels contributes to ecological and political backlashes (global warming and terrorism respectively). The bid to secure American hegemony over Iraq’s oil reserves was intended to address a potentially crippling vulnerability: anti-American forces in the Middle East in control of the region’s oil wealth. American efforts to alleviate this concern have increased this possibility rather than lessened it.

In the meantime, as Hurricane Katrina demonstrated, America’s aging infrastructure and under funded response systems are less resilient than anyone imagined. As historian Arnold Toynbee pointed out, societies go through life cycles: youthful vigor, middle-aged resilience, and aged senescence. Vigorous and resilient societies meet challenges and weather storms effectively, while senescent societies do not direct their energies and marshal resources appropriately.

When historians look back on America’s invasion of Iraq they are likely to ponder the billions (if not trillions) gambled away in a vain attempt to rebuild Iraq while America’s dilapidated power grids, highway system, and public health system crumbled. Whether global warming is manmade or not, or whether we can do anything about it or not, we have entered a period of global climate change that is unleashing more intense and more unpredictable weather patterns. Further, the forces of globalization are all but certain to make natural disasters, pandemics and acts of terrorism more likely. In other words, America’s resilience is likely to be tested on many fronts.

The administration’s panacea for terrorism was predicated on the notion that transforming Iraq would take the air out of the jihadist movement. Instead, just the opposite has occurred. Tellingly, most terror plots (including 9/11) have been hatched in Europe, illustrating how much the Bush/Cheney bet misses the mark. Terrorism is not the only challenge America faces; natural disasters and pandemics are all but inevitable. The prudent course to address all three – terrorism, natural disasters, and pandemics – would have been to invest in America’s infrastructure, health system, and first responders in order to bolster the nation’s resilience. A lesson Toynbee gleaned from his careful study of history is that those empires that try and change the world rather than themselves usually fail.

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Bush vs. Justice (in the trial of Scooter Libby)

The Bush Administration is to politics what Enron was to business – an enterprise predicated on bending the rules until the system breaks. The Bush Administration’s stock, of course, has taken another hit with the felony conviction of Lewis “Scooter” Libby (an aide so close to the vice-president he was known as “Cheney’s Cheney”). But the real crime here wasn’t Libby’s lies, but the offenses his lies were meant to cover up.

“There is a cloud over the vice-president” Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald rightly surmised before the verdict was rendered. But Cheney was not in the dock because leaking classified information, smearing critics, and misleading the public about the war are not criminal offenses if the vice-president or president does it. Lying before Congress may be impeachable, but deceiving the public is not. Fitzgerald, given his narrow mandate, never discovered that a crime was committed when covert agent Valerie Plame’s name was leaked to the media. The administration was clearly either irresponsible or vindictive in the way it casually disclosed classified information, but the law has little to say about negligence or the politics of personal destruction.

It is clear, however, that the administration was not being truthful with the public on this matter or on the war. President Bush promised the American people that anyone from his administration involved in leaking the classified information in question would be fired. If Bush were a man of his word, then Karl Rove would have cleaned out his desk after testimony proved the president’s chief political advisor was one source of the leak.

Critics of Libby’s guilty verdict claim that the administration had every right to discredit their critics, especially Joe Wilson. Prosecuting Libby, they assert, amounts to criminalizing politics. This defense hardly holds water. If no crime had been committed, then Libby’s only motive to lie – and it is now obvious that he did lie – was to protect Bush and Cheney from political damage before the 2004 election. Of course, it’s possible that Libby’s deceptions were meant to cover up activities Bush and Cheney would want to keep hidden from a special prosecutor, actions that have still not come to light.

The prosecution charged that Libby’s lies amounted to “throwing sand in a referees eyes.” This has been the Bush Administration modus operandi since Bush vs. Gore. It’s ironic that lying under oath in the absence of an underling crime can get you in jail, but deceiving the public about matter as grave as going to war isn’t even prosecutable. The jurors intuited this, asking, “Where’s Rove? Where are these other guys?” One of the other guys in question is preparing a pardon for Libby. If the script plays out Libby will stretch out his appeal as long as possible and Bush will pardon him the day he leaves office. It’s all as legal as Bush vs. Gore, but the entire farce will be devoid of justice.

The Bush Administration knows how to bend the rules, and they know how to take the refs out of the game. But they’re oblivious as to why the rules matter in the first place. When Enron bent the rules to the breaking point it cost investors their retirement savings. The Bush administration has done much of the same thing, but the costs will be far higher. Unlike Ken Lay, however, Bush has a “get out of jail free” card. In pardoning Libby he really be pardoning Dick Cheney and himself.

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The Libby Verdict

“Justice is nothing more than what is in the interests of the stronger” said Thrasymachus in Plato’s Republic. Certainly, the powerful never have to face Justice, though on occasion they may have to toss and underling overboard to keep the ship of state afloat. This probably explains why Lewis “Scooter” Libby, former aide to Vice-president Cheney, became the legal equivalent of shark bait (the chump cast aside to satiate the jaws of the “justice” system). In other words, Scooter ends up getting shredded so that the pirate captain and his first mate can sail away.

Make no mistake the jury in the Libby case believed the defendant was a sacrificial lamb. Libby’s attorneys argued as much, implying that their client was the fall guy in a larger plot involving Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and President Bush. Mind you, if the president or vice-president leaks classified information, even to punish critics, it’s not a crime (since they have the authority to declassify material on a whim). It is a political problem, however, when the president insists he wants to get to the bottom of a leak investigation, but is simultaneously declassifying material that will be used in a campaign to smear his critics.

What did the president know, and when did he know it? We the public will probably never know. But here are some unflattering facts: First, the maligned Joe Wilson was right, the administration was hyping the case for war (and ignoring evidence that contradicted its preconceptions). Second, the administration was playing hardball to squelch, discredit, and intimidate its critics. And third, the administration was hyper anxious about any information that might derail its case for war with the public.

All of this, of course, belies the administration’s continued insistence that it relied on bad intelligence in good faith. From the beginning war in Iraq was spun from a web of lies, but its architects are still spinning deceits in the hopes they can ensnare others in a maze of deceptions rather than face the consequences. Libby, now a convicted felon, and facing jail time, may be more inclined to shed light upon the inner workings of the Bush Administration. For such circumstances president Bush has the ultimate “get out of jail free” card, the presidential pardon. In pardoning Libby he’d be pardoning himself and Dick Cheney. As Thrasymachus discerned, “Justice is nothing more than what is in the interests of the stronger.”

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Top Ten Reasons I Still Support President Bush

10). “Pretty tough to remove the free Bush/Cheney bumper stickers I used to wallpaper every room in my house.” -- Ann Coulter

9). “Global Warming is really improving the potency of the medical marijuana crop I’m growing out back.” – Grandmother from California

8). “Bush and Cheney couldn’t track a camel caravan traveling downwind.” – Osama bin Laden

7). "I think he’s doing a heck of a job.” – Beelzebub

6). “His steadfast leadership really inspires troop morale.” -- Ali Baba (Recruitment Officer Al-Qaeda 2.0).

5). “I support him because he’s the president, even if he’s wrong.” – noted political observer Brittany Spears

4). “Message: I’m Proud. Beat Ozone Man. Swift boated Kerry. Vanquished Saddam. Read my lips: No more Axis-of-Evil. Spreading democracy, freedom, a thousand points of lights, and all that stuff throughout the Arab World. Now that’s what I call the vision thing. Kind of puts a lump in the throat don’t it? Makes you want to well up. But don’t cry for me Argentina.” -- Former President George H.W. Bush.

3). “I always knew I’d be vindicated someday.” – Andrew Johnson (recently slipped to the second spot in the worst presidents in U.S. history list).

2). “Woof. Woof. I just love the Bushes.” -- Barney (the president’s dog).

1). Sorry, but this joke slot remains empty at the present time because out of 350 million surveyed we could only find nine who still support President Bush.

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Top Ten Reasons to Draft Dick Cheney to Head the Republican Ticket in 2008.

10). It might be nice to have another “Tricky Dick” to kick around again.

9). Dick Cheney is the only leader with enough clout and experience to champion legislation the country desperately needs: A law allowing open season on trial lawyers.

8). Dick’s the guy we need to tell the rest of the world to f@@k off.

7). “The country is on the right track, things are going fantastic in Iraq, and it only took 13 months for FEMA to deliver my new trailer after Katrina blew my old trailer away.” – Ricky Bobby jr. (former NASCAR runner up).

6). “Dick's 4 U.S” will make great bumper sticker. -- Phylis Schaffley (Daughters of the American Revolution).

5). President Cheney will make sure we find Saddam’s missing WMD, even if we have to invade and occupy Iran, Syria, and France to find them.

4). “My shares in Halliburton are sure to quadruple.” – Jeffrey Skilling (former financial wizard at Enron).

3). Eight years of seasoning under the guidance and tutoring of George W. Bush have finally made Cheney ready for the big time.

2). The country needs a straight shooter like Dick to blast a hole in the Bush deficit.

1). Dick Cheney has already dodged the draft enough times already; let’s make sure he answers the call this time.

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